When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

What you call dog with no legs?
Don’t matter what you call him, he ain’t gonna come.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. – Mark Twain

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running. – Groucho Marx

Biologically speaking, if something bites you, it is more likely to be female. – Desmond Morris

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. – Henny Youngman

A good sermon should be like a woman’s skirt: short enough to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover the essentials. – Ronald Knox

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way.

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.-P. J. O’Rourke

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house. – George Burns

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two… – Sir Norman Wisdom

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand. – Woody Allen

Never have more children than you have car windows. – Erma Bombeck

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her. – Rodney Dangerfield

It’s not true I had nothing on. I had the radio on. – Marilyn Monroe (On posing nude for a calendar image)

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. – George Carlin

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry. – Rita Rudner

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.  – Ellen DeGeneres

Until I was 13, I thought my name was ‘Shut Up.’  — Joe Namath

She got her good looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon. – Groucho Marx

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less. – Brendan Behan

“I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, ‘You’ll never find anyone like me again!’ I’m thinking, ‘I should hope not! If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you?’ ” – Larry Miller

“People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don’t realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world,” – Calvin.

A signature always reveals a man’s character – and sometimes even his name. - Evan Esar

A guy at work went in for a competition and won a trip to China. He’s out there now…trying to win a trip back! – Jerry Dennis

“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.” – Rodney Dangerfield.

“I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.” – Les Dawson
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’” –  Tommy Cooper

“I’m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can’t understand is, if they don’t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?” – Paul Merton.

“Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.” -  Anonymous

If your mother-in-law and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie? – -  Anonymous

“Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.” – Sue Murphy.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, Six should be enough.’ – Les Dawson

“Its been a rough day. I got up this morning …. put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed.” – Anonymous

“The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.” – Franklin P. Jones

“All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.” – Jane Wagner

“I haven’t reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.” – Ilie Nastase

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
–Rodney Dangerfield

“Every morning, I get up and look through the ‘Forbes’ list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben

“An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.” –  Agatha Christie

“When I eventually met Mr Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.” – Rita Rudner

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence, Life Sentence!!. – Anonymous

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. – Lana Turner

“He’s so optimistic he’d buy a burial suit with two pairs of pants.” -  Chuck Tanner.

Coffee isn’t my cup of tea. – Samuel Goldwyn

It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature. – Steven Wright

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re okay, then it’s you. – Rita Mae Brown

“When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped.”
- Marcel Achard

“The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget is once.”
- E. Joseph Cossman

“A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.”
- Fred Allen

“No wonder nobody comes here–it’s too crowded.”
- Yogi Berra

“First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.”
- George Burns – (on aging)
“Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky who watches every thing you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of 10 special things that he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these 10 things, he has a special place full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever ’til the end of time. But he loves you.”
- George Carlin

I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted – George Best

The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he’ll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave. – Anonymous

Always talk to your wife while you’re making love… if there’s a phone handy. -  Anonymous

“When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.”
- Sacha Guitry